Amarama

Reminder of How You Want to Spend Your Extra Time and Money, Amanda

2008-05-25T17:33:48Z

0) Art Projects
1) EU Citizenship
2) Go to Barcelona in 2008 or 2009
3) Pay off Debt
4) Buy Good Furniture
5) Improve Spanish
6) Visit Friends in US, Canada, and UK
1000) Retail Therapy

Hottt

2008-01-31T05:52:34Z

Thunder!

2008-01-05T20:11:56Z

Lightning!

Thanks Time!

2008-01-02T02:28:15Z

I love the thanks portion of the new year celebrations!

Thanks to hhholiday and lovelikeyeast for beyond generously accompanying me home to see my parents and for doing the tough job of witnessing my weirdness, horror, dissociation, love, and skittishness around them. It was amazing to have your support and feel loved by you.

Thanks to grenadinegirl for being a stand-up friend and support person during difficult, ongoing work strife and disaster, and for showing me how the Gen Yers do it around self-acceptance with introversion. (I'm an introvert, and it's just how I am!) Also thanks for cooking me amazing food and hosting me in your house, and generally being a smart, lovely pal.

Thanks to Allister for being the best multimedia pardner of all time, for sharing your vast technical knowledge with me without being a misogynist asshole, for spending/tolerating the most cumulative time with me in 2007 of anyone, and for old school masculinity done right.

Thanks to agenthandy for getting me a job and being an amazing maniac!

Thanks again to lovelikeyeast for being a fantastic friend, birthday lavisher, poutine and pierogi eater, clever aphasiast, traveler during hardship, bogeyman/creepy idol endurer, dating psychos hilariator, west coast mover, hem-hanging tolerator, and superfreak.

Thanks to beccawrites for being a fantastic listener, hard tryer, presser on, and leader of the post-revolutionary IV danglers.

Thanks to serazin for being the kind of Californian intentional family who sticks around during hardship and bullshit as well as parties and popularity.

Thanks to Rutabaga for the love, wacky thinking, gymNasts, furiosity, limit testing, trust, devotion, and superstarness.

Thanks to maeve66 for being an amazing friend, turning me out as a Bollywood enthusiast, being a fierce supporter, water aerobicizer, medical self-advocacy attender, nice thing sayer, Target accompanier, vocabularian (thanks to the triple H for this, too) and older sistery pal.

Thanks to the person to whom I owe money for your incredible generosity to me and for being supremely mellow about the money's repayment given my general (thankfully lessening) financial instability.

Thanks to drmardi and E-Shem for being reliably loving family people.

Thanks to nicejewishbutch for being a super Shabu Jew, dear new Friday movie friend, and Emasculation Tourette's counselor.

Thanks to cornbreadboi for your near and far dearness.

Thanks to ilipodscrill for still being my number one gay boyfriend, despite our trials, absences, and medication problems.

Thanks to seyewailo for inviting me to speak at your school and being a fantastic role model. Thanks to fattest for being a dear friend and community wrangler. Thanks to all of the Thermalians for opening your home to me and everyone else, for the hot tub privileges, for the safety and warmness that you extend to me, and for the open invitations. I am super appreciative of your generosity. I will gladly be your designated lifter and stair climber when at all possible.

Thanks to goodbadgirl for being a badass superstar and affirmator.

Thanks to plaid_is_best and lil_hay_seed for hosting my birthday dinner in Portland and for the love from afar!

Thanks to qthebrave for the adventures and for witnessing my big, ridiculous thinking and tears (er, like maniac tears--rip, rip--not crying tears) from time to time.

Thanks to the LJ people for the comments and support from afar! Thanks to all my friends and pals scattered all over the place! Thank you for helping to keep me around and easing my way. If you can read this, thank you!

Credit Union Glee!

2007-12-01T20:11:32Z

I finally am NOT overdrawn enough to kick motherfucking Wells Fargo out of my life FOR FUCKING EVER! GOODBYE, EVIL, PREDATORY-LENDING, POOR PERSON ROBBING, MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE BANK!

Hello lovely SF Fire Credit Union!!! Unfortunately my fireman grandpa died of emphysema after 40 years of fighting chemical fires for Dow in Niagara Falls, NY, but I'm sure he'd dig that his labor ensured that I was eligible to join.

e

maeve66, We Have to Find This Film!!!!

2007-11-27T03:29:38Z

Friendslist Purge

2007-11-17T18:50:29Z

Well, folks, after 4 years on LJ, I'm going to do my very first friendslist purge. I have a hard time writing about anything important to me anymore on here. Also, it's ridiculous to me that LJ is a vehicle for community intrigue and gossip, but yet, it is. And so, I'm purging. If there's any issue with how I purge, let me know.

My Lips, They're So Plump and Shiny

2007-10-25T04:39:26Z

beccawrites and lovelikeyeast, the assault continues:

What the NOLOSE Board Would Put in a Time Capsule

2007-09-22T21:18:18Z

1) Genomic material (seeds and all species of life)

2) Data system (hard drive, generator, fuel, monitor, picture instructions) of all human knowledge

3) Deck of cards

4) Kit of household tools

5) Wine glass xylophone with water (Seraphim)

Post-Facilitation Pool Boys

2007-09-18T03:19:16Z

I facilitated a huge and nervous-making meeting at my workplace today, and I am super exhausted after several hours of charged-up worry, attempted social deftness, and constant adrenaline dump. I feel that I should have some post-facilitation pool boys to take care of me and meet my needs after I've kept mean order and democratic process charging along for four long hours. Where are you, post-facilitation pool boys? You all need to recognize the chair.

Cake Lady Logo Contest

2007-09-17T04:18:50Z

Pals,

I need a logo for my cake lady business. As some of you know, people have been paying me to make cakes lately, and because of this, I would like to make a business card before long. My original vision was to have an old-timey tattoo-style, fat, curvy pinup lady holding a big cake as my logo. I still would sort of like this logo, but I am open to anything that you lovely and talented folks may come up with.

Here's the good part: ANYONE SUBMITTING A LOGO WILL RECEIVE A FREE CAKE! Yes, you might have received a free cake anyway, but now, YOU DEFINITELY WILL RECEIVE A FREE CAKE! Draw me a cake logo, and a cake is yours! If you don't live in my geographical region, you must wait until we're united to receive your FREE CAKE! I am not prepared to freeze and ship.

Love,
Ama

My Coworker

2007-08-25T17:54:38Z

When he showed me, I just clapped and clapped and shrieked! This is his work:

http://secretlivesofdolls.typepad.com/

Sat 8/25 1-3pm: Sexuality @ Fat Health & Med Advocacy Group

2007-08-19T15:57:59Z

Hi Folks,

We've had a month of lapse in the Fat Health and Medical Advocacy Group, but we're back in August for a facilitated group discussion (no guest speaker this time) on Fat Bodies and Sexuality. Thanks to Abra, we are trying out a NEW LOCATION this month, the Dimond Library in Fruitvale. We will meet on Saturday, August 25th from 1-3pm in the Dimond Library meeting room.

The Dimond Library is located at 3565 Fruitvale Avenue, Oakland, CA 94602. You can find directions and public transit instructions here: http://www.oaklandlibrary.org/Branches/dimond.htm#directions. As always, please email me if you need a ride from BART, and either I will pick you up, or I will find someone who will.

Topics covered will include:

* Perceived sexual scarcity and fat bodies
* Fetishization of fat
* Fat's location in the queer community
* Heterosexual dynamics and fat bodies
* Fat and sexual power
* Sexual abuse
* Cultural location as a component of fat sexuality
* The internet and fat sexuality
* Fat sexuality in the media

If you have something that you'd like to discuss that I haven't covered here, please email me and I'll add it to the agenda!

The group cost is $0 - whatever you can pay. This project is operating with the help of NOLOSE (http://www.nolose.org/), the non-profit tax status of which has helped secure reduced-rate access to facilities. However, the direct cost of the group to me will be around $40, which I hope to cover with the help of contributions.

Please RSVP for the group as soon as possible by writing to me at amandapiasecki@yahoo.com. I will send a confirmation message once I receive your RSVP. Attendance will be capped at 20 people.

Please email with any questions or concerns.

I hope to see you there!

All the best,
Amanda

Lucille

2007-07-15T03:19:52Z

Test

2007-06-29T18:24:04Z

Proud!

2007-06-23T15:30:03Z

I'm proud of you all! I'm proud of this amazing and fucked up place I've lived for ten years! I'm so lucky to live in Oakland, to have lived in San Francisco, and to have loved the people I love! Thank you for helping me to save my own life, Bay Area queers. Thanks for all the pinkness, sparkles, high drama, great sex, processing, ragged utopianism, borrowed cash to live on, therapy, jobs, apartments, medical care, and sweet, hot, life. I surely do love you.

Behavior: Fat Health & Med Advocacy Group 6/16

2007-06-09T14:48:13Z

Hi folks,

On Saturday, June 16th, 2007, from 12-2 pm, Dr. Elena Escalera, PhD, has generously offered to do a guest presentation on Behavior Change and Health at Any Size as part of the Fat Health & Medical Self-Advocacy Group. Topics covered will include transforming self-harming medical denial and fear into harm reductionist thinking and self-love, and the theory behind what happens in our brains in order to enact behavior change.

Dr. Escalera is a professor of psychology at St. Mary's College, a fat warrior, and a badass community leader.

The group will be held on Saturday, June 16th from 12-2 pm in the meeting room at the Lakeview Branch of the Oakland Public Library.

The group will be focused on self-identified fat women and queers. If you'd like to attend and you're not a fat woman or queer, please email me and let me know a bit about who you are and why you'd like to attend.

The Lakeview Library has a parking lot, is accessible, and is easily reachable via public transportation. The parking lot may fill up quickly on the weekend because of the Farmer's Market, in which case parking under the freeway between MacArthur and Lake Park is the next best option. The NL line of the transbay bus stops about a block away on MacArthur and Lakeshore. AC transit line 12, which picks up near the Oakland 12th St BART station, stops on Grand and Lake Park, and the AC transit line 57, which picks up near MacArthur BART, stops on Grand and MacArthur. If you need a ride from BART, please let me know and either I will pick you up, or I'll find you someone who can.

The group cost is $0 - whatever you can pay. This project is operating with the help of NOLOSE, the non-profit tax status of which has helped secure reduced-rate access to facilities. However, the direct cost of the group to me will be around $40, which I hope to cover with the help of contributions.

Please RSVP for the group as soon as possible by writing to me at amandapiasecki@yahoo.com. I will send a confirmation message once I receive your RSVP. Attendance will be capped at 20 people.

**IMPERATIVE: IF YOU HAVE TO CANCEL AFTER YOU RSVP, PLEASE DO SO IN A TIMELY MANNER, SINCE THERE WILL BE A WAITING LIST, AND IF YOU CANCEL AT THE LAST MINUTE, THE WAIT LISTED PEOPLE WON'T GET NOTIFIED IN TIME TO ATTEND.**

Please email with any questions or concerns.

I hope to see you there!

All the best,
Amanda

Managing Shame: Fat Health & Med Advocacy Group 5/19

2007-05-05T18:23:10Z

Hi folks,

On Saturday, May 19th, 2007, from 1-3 pm, Matilda St. John, MFT, has generously offered to do a guest presentation on managing shame at the doctor's office as part of the Fat Health & Medical Self-Advocacy Group. Topics covered will include addressing shame as a barrier to obtaining care, strategies for sticking to a medical self-advocacy agenda while managing shame, and dealing with a trauma response to healthcare environments. After her presentation, Matilda has offered to spend some time consulting on individuals' specific barriers in the context of the group.

Matilda St. John is a member of Oakland's amazing feminist psychotherapy practice, Psyche, and is a dancer in the Bay Area's famous fat dance troupe, Big Moves.

The group will be held on Saturday, May 19th from 1-3pm in the meeting room at the Lakeview Branch of the Oakland Public Library (http://www.oaklandlibrary.org/Branches/lak.html).

The group will be focused on self-identified fat women and queers. If you'd like to attend and you're not a fat woman or queer, please email me and let me know a bit about who you are and why you'd like to attend.

The Lakeview Library has a parking lot, is accessible, and is easily reachable via public transportation. The parking lot may fill up quickly on the weekend because of the Farmer's Market, in which case parking under the freeway between MacArthur and Lake Park is the next best option. The NL line of the transbay bus stops about a block away on MacArthur and Lakeshore. AC transit line 12, which picks up near the Oakland 12th St BART station, stops on Grand and Lake Park, and the AC transit line 57, which picks up near MacArthur BART, stops on Grand and MacArthur. If you need a ride from BART, please let me know and either I will pick you up, or I'll find you someone who can.

The group cost is $0 - whatever you can pay. This project is operating with the help of NOLOSE (http://www.nolose.org/), the non-profit tax status of which has helped secure reduced-rate access to facilities. However, the direct cost of the group to me will be around $40, which I hope to cover with the help of contributions.

Please RSVP for the group as soon as possible by writing to me at amandapiasecki@yahoo.com. I will send a confirmation message once I receive your RSVP. Attendance will be capped at 20 people.

**IMPERATIVE: IF YOU HAVE TO CANCEL AFTER YOU RSVP, PLEASE DO SO IN A TIMELY MANNER, SINCE THERE WILL BE A WAITING LIST, AND IF YOU CANCEL AT THE LAST MINUTE, THE WAIT LISTED PEOPLE WON'T GET NOTIFIED IN TIME TO ATTEND.**

Please email with any questions or concerns.

I hope to see you there!

All the best,
Amanda

Fat Health and Medical Advocacy Group: Saturday, April 21 1-3pm!

2007-03-25T22:27:11Z

Hello!

The first Fat Health and Medical Advocacy Group will be held on Saturday, April 21st from 1-3pm in the meeting room at the Lakeview Branch of the Oakland Public Library!

During the first hour, I'll give my Medical Self-Advocacy for Fat People talk, which was a big hit at NOLOSE 2006, and distribute an article I've written called The Fat Girl's Guide to Dealing with Doctors. During the second hour, we'll discuss individual group members' obstacles to obtaining health care, using our collective knowledge to begin drafting health care action plans for everyone in attendance.

The group will be focused on self-identified fat women and queers. If you'd like to attend and you're not a fat woman or queer, please email me and let me know a bit about who you are and why you'd like to attend.

The Lakeview Library has a parking lot, is accessible, and is easily reachable via public transportation. The NL line of the transbay bus stops about a block away on Grand and Lake Park, as does AC transit line 12, which picks up near the Oakland 12th St BART stop, and the AC transit line 57, which picks up near MacArthur BART. If you need a ride from BART, please let me know and either I will pick you up, or I'll find you someone who can.

The group cost is $0 - whatever you can pay. This project is operating with the help of NOLOSE, the non-profit tax status of which has helped secure reduced-rate access to facilities. However, the direct cost of the group to me will be around $40, which I hope to cover with the help of contributions.

Please RSVP for the group as soon as possible by writing to me at amandapiasecki@yahoo.com. I will send a confirmation message once I receive your RSVP. Attendance will be capped at 20 people. Please email with any questions or concerns.

I hope to see you there!

All the best,
Amanda

Kaiser Members: If You Want a New PCP, Mine is Good!

2007-03-16T23:52:57Z

Folks, Priscilla Flores, who is a D.O. without a full practice at Kaiser Oakland is good! She was absolutely NOT a panicked obesity epidemic freak and in fact, said nothing about my fatness at all. She was outstanding about all the referrals I needed and kindly dealt with the extra administration to get me tests that I wanted that she didn't initiate--that is, she seemed to trust my judgment about what I needed and didn't seem to be in the mindframe of limiting my access to resources because of expense. She let me run the show unless I asked her for her advice, which seemed smart, calm, and fairly non-judgmental.

Get her if you're unhappy with your doctor, Kaiser people! She's pretty good!

Fat Health and Medical Advocacy Group

2007-03-09T19:59:46Z

In the wake of Heather MacAllister's death and of various health traumas among my friends and in my community, I have decided to start a Health and Medical Advocacy Group for fat people.

My idea is to meet every other week at a location in the East Bay for two hours: spending an hour on a rotating series of health programming topics, and an hour on the exploration of group members' health problems, using our combined knowledge to develop care strategies. The focus will be on making use of Western medicine and alternative healing modalities framed within a context of limited healthcare access and finite financial possibility.

I'm going to be developing the programming, so the bias will lean towards a harm-reductionist spin on Health at Any Size thinking. Maximizing health strategies while living in one's fat (probably not transient to thin) body is the point--weight loss ideation will only be addressed in very specific contexts that require the consent of other participants.

I'm going to preliminarily cap attendance at each group at twenty people in order to most effectively meet the needs of everyone involved (I think it's perfectly acceptable if different people attend each meeting, but attendance will be RSVP only). I'm looking into holding the group at an Oakland Parks Rec Center in my neighborhood. The group will cost $0 - whatever members can pay for now.

Topics I'd initially like to cover include:

- Basic medical self-advocacy for fat people.
- Breaking up the lousy marriage between health and morality, and critical thinking about body autonomy as a basis for envisioning care.
- Mindful eating and re-developing the connection between hunger and satiety for fat people who have lost it through starving/bingeing self-harm.
- Public and private shaming around fat and its effect on mental health.
- Fighting financial and health-based shame in order to access good care.
- Exercise with variations in ability.
- Perceived sexual scarcity, choice, and the fat queer body.
- Sexual and emotional health for fat women who sleep with non-transmen.
- Muliple marginalities and healthcare access.
- Helpful and harmful coping strategies.
- How to research and administer one's own healthcare and related financial planning.

I plan on bringing in smart laypeople and professionals to present whenever possible, and look at the topics as a way to frame collective research and discussion. I'll probably hold forth with my ideas some, but this isn't the only point: I'm leading the group so that I can provide the frame and mediate the discussion.

Administrative definitions:

1) Fat is self-defined. People are welcome to attend the group if they self-identify as fat. Crazy clause: if you're crazy and need your experience heard as a 92-pound, self-identified fat person, please go elsewhere.

2) The group will be focused on women and queers. Hetero non-transmen will be considered on a case-by-case basis. Crazy clause: don't be crazy and looking for predatory sex at the fat health group.

I'll probably hold the first group within a month. If you'd like to get on the email list or have ideas about programming you'd like to see, please let me know here or at amandapiasecki@yahoo.com.

Heather MacAllister's San Francisco Memorial Details

2007-02-20T03:13:55Z

Here are details about memorial services for Heather MacAllister next weekend. While everyone is welcome at all events by the community and organizers, El Rio is a 21+ venue and we're unsure how lenient they'll be for people with children and younger folks.

--------------------------------------------

Saturday, 2/24/07
7:00 pm
Goddess Rosary in memory of Heather MacAllister
HerChurch, 678 Portola Drive, San Francisco

This is a church that Heather used to attend, specifically for the "goddess rosary" services. The minister remembered Heather and offered to do a special service in her honor.

---------------------------------------------

Sunday, 2/25/07
1:30 pm: Funeral/Mourning/Goodbye ritual
Precita Park, corner of Folsom and Precita, San Francisco

2:30 pm: Somber procession (walking and driving) up Precita to El Rio

3:00 pm: Wake at El Rio, 3158 Mission St., story sharing, etc.
feel free to bring mementos, photos or other items for the temporary altar.

--------------------------------------------

Who Heather Was to Me

2007-02-15T05:33:06Z

Before I can write anything about who Heather was to me, I have to praise the folks in Portland who helped her out at the end. I helped out quite a lot on the first legs of her illness, when she was still in San Francisco, which got very intense at points. It was strange for me after that experience to be several hundred miles away when she died. However, you Portlanders and long-time caregivers have been incredible and still fully have my support from down here if you need me. I am especially well-equipped for listening or witnessing anything you might need. Just say the word.

---

Heather and I did best together when we were by ourselves. She and I had an excellent private relationship. While I met her by running sound for her show when she first came to San Francisco, I never took a burlesque class from her or danced with her. I'm not a sexy dancer, much, and I actually have a million and one issues with burlesque, as much as it has been a transformative medium for a lot of people I love. I'm no fancy dancer at all.* It's not how I do my gender or performance. So while Heather turned a lot of fat girls out into loving their bodies, that was not my relationship with her, nor did I want it to be.

Heather's public persona was harsh on anyone trying to have an egalitarian, real-world friendship with her, though of course her divaness was a vital, incredibly important part of who she was. Eventually, I just learned to avoid Reva Lucien, and Heather and I got to really enjoy each other when we were on our own.

Heather provided me with a stunning example of being certain of one's creative vision, despite sustaining ridiculous obstacles and more than one's fair share of bullshit. She knew what her vision was and worked like hell to enact it, despite its marginality, and while managing other people's shame, fighting problematic queer community politics, and having no real funding outside the cash generated by her shows. Heather was a tough motherfucker, well before she had cancer. Hers wasn't an easy life from the get go, and she was a real freak and a fighter. Being an outsider in San Francisco, well, life could be worse. Being a visionary, tattooed, fat leatherdyke stripper performance artist in Michigan and Arizona for a good chunk of one's adult life? This is another thing entirely.

While Heather didn't specifically buoy me around my body image, she was much more sure that my creative vision was on point than I was, which is an indescribable gift. I don't have so many people in my life who I necessarily discuss all the fantastical, insane art ideas I have with seriously, and now there is one fewer. Heather and I used to get on these crazy tears about what we'd do if we collaborated. "And there'll be a hundred burning Christmas trees and fire engines and fat girls in white jumpsuits and air horns and a calliope and a fleet of stationary bikes and the Chicago symphony," and we'd just go on and on and on with our nutbag gesamtkuntswerk visions until we got sick of each other. It was fucking great. I'm not so sure we could have actually collaborated without clawing one another's eyes out in the process, but I'm heartbroken that we didn't get to try.

One of my most vivid memories of Heather is when she was out of her mind in the hospital in San Francisco, and I brought over the soundtrack to Jesus Christ Superstar and we hatched a plan to launch a JCS revival, all while S and I sang and Heather enacted crucifixion on the hospital bed. She was a performance artist to her very core.

Another thing Heather and I got to do together was be angry. The people who are closer to me who read this know that I harbor a fairly intense rage, and Ms. Heather did, too. We got pissed off at cancer, and injustice, and Detroit, and misogyny, and environmental atrocities that no corporation will ever be held accountable for, and butches who were afraid of us, and cowardly people, and racism, and fatphobic doctors, and no health insurance, and San Francisco, and America. I'm sadly sure we didn't cover it all, but we covered a lot. I have some of it on audio recordings. I probably won't be able to listen to them for a while yet.

Heather was hardcore about her politics and her aesthetics. Her work, in addition to being fluffy, was very serious. It's real, and a real part of the queer performance art canon.

There's a lot more, too, but these things are the biggest part of how I knew her, and what I will miss most in her absence.

I miss her. I have been crying and distressed. I'm trying, with others, to plan her Bay Area funeral. I had a weird, surreal experience around the time she died, when I was expecting to have to manufacture one. I love her and am proud to know her. I'm proud that my care is a small part of what helped to buy her a little more time. I'm proud of her and her badass fucking life and death.

*I'm more a crazy and violent dancer.

Numbers

2007-02-10T18:06:57Z

I've also been thinking a lot lately about how meaningful numbers are to women, and how much shame is associated with them. Weight, calories, kilos, BMI, blood pressure, inches, pounds, the list goes on. Many of us are trained to obsessively measure ourselves from the time we're tiny children. We can hold onto secret shameful numbers that we dare not speak, because the speaking sometimes results in more dire consequences than the numbers themselves. Many of us are human calculators, math aptitude or no. Despite having not dieted in over ten years, I still calculate calories before I have the thought not to.

I'm interested in doing a little art project in this post. I want people to write down their meaningful/meaningless numbers related to fat, either anonymously or publicly, however you choose, in the comments section. My intent is for people to get some relief from holding onto information that has been given so much power, and for non-judgmental witnessing to take place. I'd prefer there to be no subjective commentary on people's numbers if at all possible. Please try not to decide what someone else's numbers mean. Please respect the bravery involved in publishing these numbers in a public forum.

Of course, there's no requirement that people participate in this post. It absolutely makes sense to me that some people will want to maintain their privacy. Please, no shame either way.

Cross-posted from fatshionista.

Horrifying

2006-11-14T20:21:17Z

My favorite thing about the incendiaryfood project is how horrifying it is! So many people, so guilty and preoccupied about what we eat, morality flinging about what the body needs, what our choices are! It's a big, screaming chorus of what it's like all the time for most western women, how mindfucked we are (myself included). I am really into how uncomfortable it is, because it really makes the kind of social control that is passed off as fluffy, minor, for after the revolution really, really REAL in this artificial, removed, alienated blog kind of way.